how to come to an agreement with my pain


How does one begin to explain this? The phrase needle step days planted itself in my brain some time ago, in a poem, “i push my skin through needle step days”, but today there’s another layer of complication. A tingling sensation wholly unpleasant and known by anyone who has had their nerves electrically stimulated. That feeling has come and gone for at least a year, but usually briefly, and when I am standing. Today it’s nearly constant when I am existing. Sometimes it settles only to rear again when I have to raise myself off the couch/bed for whatever task lies ahead, and I have yet to give in, I could be in bed in the dark, inviting that shadow to be the loudest voice in the room, but something in me is consumed by an intense drive to do. Even at my idlest my mind is running wild. Today there are onrushes of exhaustion, again a phrase my head replays - “bone deep weary” because that is where I feel it and I don’t feel like researching this but I know the human body has something like 206 bones, so when every single one of them is besieged by a feeling of extra gravity I become Sisyphus as a regular practice, but I feel I will never see the top. It’s been a consistent two years of forward then stop then sideways then try these then give up that then a feeling like when sun rays peek out on cloud days then getting smacked in the face by bone deep weary needle step crackling skin I want to give in days. I should print this out, carry it on a laminated card for the doctors, family, friends, lovers, onlookers, witnesses who can’t even see the steel lid I clamp to the top of my stomach to reel the nauseating moments in to the dark recesses of my smile. 


Etymology / Etiology 

What is the link between naming and causation?

The term fibromyalgia is taken from Latin and Greek words:
Fibra (Latin) means fibrous
Myos (Greek) means muscles
Algos (Greek) means pain

Merriam Webster says I have "a chronic disorder characterized by widespread pain, tenderness, and stiffness of muscles and associated connective tissue structures that is typically accompanied by fatigue, headache, and sleep disturbances."

Tender Points

There are 9 symmetrical pairs, from the back of my head to my inner knees. 18 locations, when touched, that form a brief, nauseating, woozy rush. I found this out through pressure, and I prefer that to the dull ache that sneaks up on my joints on days I don't wake up with it already settled in. I am learning a language of ligaments, acute, muscles, dull, joints, spasm. How to push my body through sensation, when to yield, all the lovely lessons taught by pain. 




Who do you have to help you at home?

Is this one of those things you can cure or just treat?

Why didn't you tell me sooner?

What side effects are you willing to risk?

Did you know some people think it's all in your head?

If you can't see it, does it exist?